I'll tell you my sins, and you can sharpen your knife
by Dark Wings Of Imagination
Summary: "At forty-eight years old – and thirty years of S.H.I.E.L.D in your baggage – few things scare you, but losing the people you love is at the top of your list […]"


**One Shot: I'll tell you my sins, and you can sharpen your knife**

Author: Dark Wings Of Imagination.

Genre: Angst

Rating: T

Summary: _"__At forty-eight years old – and thirty years of S.H.I.E.L.D in your baggage – few things scare you, but losing the people you love is at the top of your list […]"_

_A/N: Hello guys! Yes, contrary to popular belief I'm alive! And well, before you guys get to read this, I need to say a few things. _

_First, for those who are waiting for the next chapter of "Feathers are meant for the sky" well, I'll be honest and say I don't know when (or if) it will come out, I will tell you though, that the next chapter is like halfway written, but I'll admit that I've been having the hardest time going back to that fanfiction, so I don't really know what to do. Please forgive me._

_Secondly, the reason I kind of vanished it's because majoring in Linguistics takes a lot of my time, almost all of it, and so I've been tired and lacking the energy and want to write the way I think it would result in something decent._

_Thirdly, and this is probably the most important: this story has been seated unfinished in my things for a while now, I guess almost over 2 years, and it's funny because it was almost finished it was just missing a few more dialogues, but at the time I just couldn't find the right words. Anyway, given the time, this is kind of an alternate end to their space odyssey (but I began before we discovered May raised the girl – which I'm sorry I cannot remember the name right now, it's over 2 a.m. here, sorry). This idea came to me after I wrote a fanfic based on Hozier's "Take me to church". My initial idea was to write stories based on specific lines of the song, and those stories would in way or another talk about being lesbian, or in this case, bisexual (it worked as a way for me to accept myself). I'm not sure, if this one expresses this idea the well, because I love getting into May's head and sometimes it just carries me away from my initial plan, still I hope you all like it._

_See ya around,_

_Dark Wings._

* * *

At forty-eight years old – and thirty years of S.H.I.E.L.D in your baggage – few things scare you, but losing the people you love is at the top of your list – followed closely by your phobia of deep water, ironic since you're a spy who risks your life every day, no matter the scenario.

For years one of the people you were most fearful of ever living without was your best friend. While on the field both of you had way too many close calls, too many hours spent in waiting rooms, so many surgeries you would have lost count of them weren't for the scars.

You never wanted to imagine – couldn't – how would life be without him in it, until the day you had to live it. It felt worse than Bahrain and it hurt more than a bullet, by then you had never felt so much pain and you had never loved and missed someone as much as you did him. You thought you never would.

You were wrong.

You love your team, each and every one of them, you would sacrifice yourself for them in a heartbeat, and your purpose is to keep them safe, to protect them with all you've got, however you must admit at least to yourself that while you're not one for favoritism Daisy is different.

The moment the girl stepped on the bus you knew she was a force to be reckoned with and she reminded you so much of yourself, so much of the 'Old Melinda' – the one who hadn't been broken by Bahrain yet – with her childlike excitement and simultaneously she resembled your present self – the one shattered by 'The Cavalry' – her sarcastic remarks giving away her lack of faith in the world.

She was too much like you, so you did your best to distance yourself, you treated her coldly and ignored - that's what you made look like, at least – her attempts at friendship, however Coulson noticed what you were doing and he also noticed how much alike both of you were, and how much you actually wanted to bond with the girl, which was why he asked you to look into her parents and her past within S.H.I.E.L.D – and you never hated him for knowing you so well the way you did that moment.

You knew that the hacker believed you were her mother for a small amount of time and really you didn't know what scared you the most: the fact she seemed to actually want you to be her mother, _if she knew what I've done, she wouldn't_, and was disappointed when she discovered it wasn't you; or that you, for a moment, too had wanted to be her mother.

Children had been a wish of yours once, more so at the beginning of your marriage; Andrew would make a wonderful father (maybe, not as much as you envisioned Phil being, but that's a train of thought best not dwelled on, even if sometimes you did) and you would figure it out; it's not like you are hopeless around kids, your quietness doesn't bother them and you do know a few ways to entertain them, so, yeah, not _that_ bad.

Being an agent, however, it's demanding and Andrew understood and respected your passion for your job, your devotion to the agency and protecting the world, so the two of you kept postponing, _next year_, both would say, both would promise to lower your workloads – he wasn't much less busy than you, either – and you did that every year, _we'll try soon, _you would say and never mean it, you just kept pushing and pushing and then Bahrain happened and the idea of raising a child was thrown out of the window for you. Clearly you weren't mother material, after all.

Daisy, however, was an extraordinaire young woman, and even if it did give the impression she had been a trying kid you can't honestly understand why anyone could not care about her, why she was bounced around the system her entire life, how she never found a loving family – of course, that was all explained once you looked into her files and you found out that S.H.I.E.L.D moved her around for her own protection, it didn't mean though it was fair to the child, going foster home to foster home, family to family, thinking she was so broken, so unlovable no family could ever want her, could ever keep her.

Your ever growing fondness of her was tricky to deal with at first, but you managed, you might not be the greatest at expressing your feelings but you sure as hell know how to conceal them, not all the time, of course, you are not a robot, despite what you know many think, but mostly you do a good job of hiding them – however you almost punching the life out of Ian Quinn because of her might have given you away.

That girl wormed her way through your heart, her sarcastic comments, her witty remarks, her strong personality, the fact that even though everything was falling apart around all of you she didn't let it put her down, the way she always tried to get something good out of a tragedy, how she was always looking for light in the darkest places, she is like a gravitational field, always pulling people towards her and once one gets to know her, is just impossible not to love her and you wouldn't have any other way.

In the few times you allow yourself to imagine what would have been like if you had decided to lead a different life, if you had had the courage to tell Phil how you really felt about him, if the two of you had decided to live a life together, away from S.H.I.E.L.D perhaps, if the two of you had decided on having kids and actually going with the plan, you try to imagine what your children would look like and for as hard as you try your daughter always end up looking way too much like Daisy – her eyes, her smile, her playful tone, her caring heart – and one day you finally accept the truth: you don't need to picture what it would be like to have a daughter, because you actually have one.

And honestly? She's everything you ever wished any child of yours would be, even more and if anything, you don't think you know why deserve you such an incredible person in your life and you are pretty sure you are undeserving of the admiration she had directed at you, that doesn't mean you aren't selfish enough to be happy about it, and you thank the Universe, the Cosmos – Simmons would scold you if you ever said that aloud – for giving you such a wonderful human being.

You do see her as your daughter, even if you know you probably shouldn't but you do. You love her unconditionally, you would kill and die for her without thinking twice and you actually feel bad for the motherfuckers who ever try to mess with her, because they have no idea of what they will have to deal with – you become 'The Cavalry' if it's needed, there's nothing you wouldn't do for the girl.

The months she spent on the run were the most difficult you've ever been through, not knowing her whereabouts or how she was doing, if she was okay – as okay as one can be while being hunted by the government and those disgusting Watchdogs – if she was eating – and it makes you realize just how much you actually care about the young inhuman – not that it was any news to you, although it still amazes you how the love you harbor for her just keeps growing and deepening with each passing day.

After being stranded in outer space, and not in your actual time, for several months Fitz finds a way to take all of you home – and you have never been happier to breathe each molecule of polluted air, which, yes, you do know that's awful but that's a matter for another time, for now you're just glad to be back home.

That happiness lasts about five minutes.

You scan the entire room several times just to confirm and you hate that you can't find Daisy, because as soon as you realize she's not there with you and the team a sinking feeling settles deep inside of you._ Something is wrong._

You and the team part ways and go search for her, still unfamiliar with the new base Fitz found taking a lot longer to scan the whole place – still, you do make a mental note of personally thanking the young scientist for his hard work in getting all of you back.

It's not you who finds Daisy, it's more she finds you. She comes to you all battered and broken. Scars and bruises fresh on her face. She collapses on your arms. She's quite out of it but at least she recognizes you and for the moments is enough.

You call Phil once you set her on the first bed in the medical bay you find and let the small team of doctors guided by Jemma, work on her. You tell him that you found her and for a split of second he's happy but then he seems to notice your fear and worry and he asks what's wrong.

You tell him of her condition – at least the external one, the one you saw – he tries to calm you down and he almost succeeds when you hear her flat lining. She flat lines once more after that but they manage to bring her back and stabilize her. You stay with her after they clear out of her.

They had to induce her in a coma, her internal injuries even worse than the external ones and you hate yourself for not being there to protect her – even if you do know it's not really your fault, Fitz only managed to get you out of the Kree space craft one by one, there was no way you could have stopped it from happening, still you feel like you failed her once more.

Her condition was way too severe, whether the damage was caused solely by the enemy or by over using her powers they couldn't tell – which you take as a sign of how bad it actually is, if they can't tell the difference.

Jemma knows better than to try and talk you out of staying with Daisy, it's not like she would succeed, she just hugs you and leaves you alone with your unconscious protégé.

"You really need to stop getting yourself hurt, Daisy" you begin as you hold her right hand – the one free of the IV – "I'm getting way too old, another scare like that and you might as well give me a heart attack. Please, just come back. Please"

The tears you've been fighting down finally win you over, at least you manage to keep down the sobs, and as you quietly cry you pray to a God you don't even believe in to grant you the privilege of seeing your kid smiling again

Each minute turn to hour and hours turn into days, and each moment spent by her bedside is pure agony, but you won't leave her side, not anymore, you made this mistake already and look where it got you.

You talk to her, even if she can't hear you, you tell her things most don't know about you, and if anything, you do it to keep yourself from going insane. Everyday her prognosis is stable and by the fourth day they had already taken her out of the induced coma, however she doesn't wake and they conclude, and tell you, that the trauma forced her body to just go into a coma, and that it's something natural and normal to happen in such circumstances.

You want to argue there's nothing natural about this, but you don't, even if you're not thinking rationally, you do understand what they mean, so you keep to yourself and once they get out you go back to telling her stories about you.

…

When Daisy finally wakes up, almost a week later, you're there by her side. The first thing you want to do is to hug her, but you refrain yourself, you call Jemma and watches as she inspects her friend looking for anything out of place. Once she clears out, she tells you they'll be keeping Daisy on monitoring just as a precaution.

With Simmons' permission you let the rest of the team know Daisy is awake and they all go down the med bay to visit her and as you watch them shower her with love you can't help the way your heart flutters or the pride that overcomes you at knowing that these people, these _amazing_ people, are _your family_.

You also can't help but notice the way Daisy blushes when Elena playfully winks at her just as she leans in to place a soft kiss on the young agent's cheek, careful not to hurt her, and the fact that she finally opened up enough to allow herself to like someone again makes you smile.

"So, Yoyo, huh?" you say once everybody leaves and immediately Daisy goes pale, and it hurts to realize that even after all this time she doesn't fully trust you.

"Yoyo what?" she asks trying to sound dismissive, it doesn't work and she knows it.

"You like her" you don't make it into a question and she knows better than to underestimate your perceptiveness, but she does insist on denying it.

"She's my friend" she says and you want to roll your eyes at her, but something tells you not to.

"There's nothing wrong in liking her" patiently you press on, you have a feeling there must be a reason why she is adamant at not talking about it and when you hear her next words you understand why.

"Yeah, well, for most foster parents a daughter who liked girls was never an option, especially if their biological daughter fell for her" and you can see she tries to make it sound like it's not important, but you _know _her and you can see how deeply it still affects her.

"Any parent who did not want you was a fool." and you pray to the Universe that she believes you, because, honestly? All you desire to do is to go back in time and try and save her from every single horrifying home she ever set foot into, however you can't, so you try to make sure she knows that between the two of you there will always be a safe space for her "And is that why you never said anything about it?"

"There was nothing to say. Besides, is not like she's available" she shrugs and for a moment you forgot that Elena was with Mike, and he is a great guy, but your girl is so precious anyone would be so lucky to have her.

"You'd make a cute couple" you say because you really believe it's true and you see a smile threatening to make its way past her lips and you are satisfied, at least it's working.

"May, just, no. Okay?" she says and for a moment it feels like a kid asking their mom to stop embarrassing them, and your heart flutters in your chest.

"Ok. But you know that you can talk to me about it or anything at all, right? I may not say much, but I can listen" which is true, it's not like she can remember all of the hours you spent by her bedside telling stories.

"Yeah, about you not saying much" she says and the sideway smiles she gives you cannot mean something good.

"Yes?" the apprehension is evident on your voice and her smile just grows.

"Kinda want to hear more about you and agent Hand" she says and you just want to crawl under the earth. This was not supposed to happen.

"You were listening to me?" you ask even though the answer it's obvious but you need to know just how much of it so you can prepare yourself for all the joking it may come your way.

"Some parts. Although, it seemed to me like the two of you were a bit closer than friends" and for a moment you blush, not too much, but just enough Daisy is able to see.

"You totally were" and she smiles in a childlike way, and it's been so long since she was this carefree, hell since any of you were, so you just tell her what she wants to know.

"I liked her and we did flirt a lot, but if there ever was anything mutual, there was never time, I guess" you don't think you loved her but you still think it could've worked if you had the chance, but who knows?

"Humm..." her face falls a little.

"You almost seem disappointed" you comment and she elaborates.

"Yes, kinda, I mean, it's a little bit weird to hear about your love life, or lack thereof, but it does feel nice to share stories, I guess" and you understand it, you really do, because when you first felt attraction towards a girl you also wanted someone who relate, someone who went through it and could tell you everything was alright.

"Yes, it does" you smile a tight-lipped smile and agrees that it's true, even if you are not much of a talker you have no problem in sharing with her.

"You really have gone soft, Agent May" she chuckles and you try giving her your best death glare, but gladly it doesn't affect her anymore and she just laughs more, and you can't help but chuckle as well.

"Perhaps, but don't go telling or you _will_ regret it" you say and she answers by making the "cross my heart and hope to die" sign.

"Don't worry, your secret is safe with me" she smiles at you as she says it and you know she means it.


End file.
